my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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