My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
