I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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