I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
