either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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