She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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