dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
