Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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