Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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