Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
