fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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