my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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