i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize