I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
