Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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