hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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