Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
