i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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