The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
