Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
