SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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