I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
