she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
