He told me they were just razor bumps!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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