Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
