My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i love accidental penises.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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