i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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