I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
