help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Someone shattered a urinal.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
