I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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