I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
