I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
