On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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