Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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