My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
