Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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