i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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