I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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