I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
