you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
