dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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