Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
