My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
