mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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