i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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