Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can't turn off my feet"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Randomize
