my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize