P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
