You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
