you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
