is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize