Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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