I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
