don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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