First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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