i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
did i walk over a car last night?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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