I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
