return my video game
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
