He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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