my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
