11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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