after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
